Helping your child accept "no" as your response

We all have a strong drive towards things we like, things we want right now in the moment and things we don’t want to give up. 

It’s difficult and frustrating for all us when someone else to step in and tell us we can’t have it right now.

It might be really difficult for your child to accept “no” as your answer in these situations. Or accepting “stop” when they are doing something they enjoy. This is something that is a common topic in the Autism Parent Inner Circle.

There probably have been many times when your child wants something like a snack or technology when it’s not the right time for it and you have to intervene, be the bearer of bad news and tell your child "no" and break it to them that they can’t have an ice cream sandwich at 7 am. 

There have probably also been many times when you saying “no” to something has resulted in a full on tantrum that is hard to control.

“No” is a response that is difficult for your child to accept. And if you are used to dealing with challenging behaviors as a result, you’re not alone and there are solutions to help!

First, we’re going to discuss why accepting “no” is such a challenge...

1-Your child has a strong drive towards things. They love them, they want them all the time. You saying “no” to these objects is the end of the world to them because they don’t know when they will have access to them again.

2-You’re child probably doesn’t fully grasp the concept of “no.” They are probably viewing it as “never again” when really just means “not right now”

3-Auditory processing is not your child’s strength. They have a strength in visual processing and often a weakness and delay in auditory processing. 

4-Not understanding the reason for being denied right in this moment. Does your child understand that it’s not the best idea to be eating ice cream sandwiches for breakfast instead of eggs? If you allow it sometimes but not now in this exact moment, that could be really confusing. 

Now, let’s get into the good part: how to teach your child to accept “no” as your response...

1- Include a visual support. Remember, if we know your child has a strength, in visual processing for example, we need to play on that strength and use it to our advantage. This could be a stop sign that you present or if it’s an item that your child is constantly trying to get access to and you are saying “no” a lot, you could put the stop sign on the actual item at all times when your child is not allowed access. 

2- Use this as a reinforcer. If your child wants this object enough to throw tantrums to try to get it, they really like it. They really want this item. Build it into a reward system and give them an opportunity to earn this item with positive and appropriate  behaviors throughout the day. This is going to help you promote and increase positive behaviors that you want to see more of. A token board would be a great place to start with this. You can download mine for free here (make sure to watch the video explanation, too!)!

3-Put this into your child’s visual schedule. If it’s something that you are ok with your child getting every day, just not at the times they request it, you could easily build it into their visual schedule. This will help communicate that they can’t have it right now, but they will have access to it in the future. Again, here is a great opportunity to play on your child’s visual processing strength.

4-You might need to consider changing the language that you use. If your child is throwing tantrums over hearing “no” on a regular basis, they have a negative association with that word. Trying “not right now” or “later” to change the language up a bit. 

Battling tantrums over your child being denied access to something can be frustrating for all. Hang in there and put the strategies listed above into place.

If you are needing more guidance and support, the Autism Parent Inner Circle is exactly that. Support, education, visuals, guidance, action plans, autism experts at your fingertips. You can join us in the Inner Circle here!